IMPEACH GEORGE BUSH!! The Cheshire's Blog: Un-Intelligent Design

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Un-Intelligent Design

Horrid History

Nov 10, 4004 BC - Adam and Eve are driven from Paradise.

Nov 10, 1940 - Walt Disney begins serving as a secret informer for the Los Angeles office of the FBI, to report back information on Hollywood subversives. He was made a "Full Special Agent in Charge Contact" in 1954. We should note that Disney was atheist and thus subversive in his own little way.

Nov 10, 1997 - Seymore Hersh's book "The Dark Side of Camelot" published, includes allegations that explicit photos were taken of John F. Kennedy with various sex partners and brought by a Secret Service agent to a Washington gallery for framing. The gallery owner, Sidney Mickelson, stated that the participants included a naked Kennedy and assorted lady friends wearing masks.
(thanks to rotten.com)
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Un-Intelligent Design

Good morning America, and a very special good morning to Dover, Pennsylvania, where after raising a nation-wide ruckus about the right to teach their children a religious MYTH as an alternative to the theory of evolution, they voted a little more sanity into their council on Tuesday. Unfortunately, this sudden secular epiphany didn’t bleed over to Wichita, Kansas, where they decided it would be best to instruct their own kids on the wisdoms Neolithic man.

Yes, the flatlands of Dorothy and Toto have taken it upon themselves to further screw up our nation’s children (as though George W Bush’s campaign against educational reform hasn’t done enough already) by way of demanding that every Wichita public school make room for the theory of intelligent design; the theory in which it is suggested (nay, declared!) that humans have been created by the hand of God, rather than teaching the FACTS of evolution. This election comes only one day after a recent study concluded that giant apes lived amongst humans for a million years!

Conversely, neo-con Kansas’ flower-child next door neighbor, Denver, Colorado, passed a law that allows it’s citizens the right to possess and smoke small quantities of marijuana … for medicinal purposes, of course. Of course. Why else would anyone even want to keep that stuff around the house? Please! As though the asclepiad has any other function than aesculapian! (nice play on wording, eh? WordWeb – get yours today! Free download here). Could it be that the giant ape theory was conducted in Denver? In any case, even stoner Colorado will never bring about a bill that suggests that it’s citizens teach their children MYTHS over SCIENCE, and that just goes to show you that even brain-dead pot smokers tend to hold more rationale than neo-cons.

So, even though a recent poll conducted here at the Cheshire’s Blog revealed that ninety percent of the poll takers preferred to keep this sort of fire and brimstone out of schools in favor of a genuine education, let’s say that intelligent design meets the required criterion to have a place in American public education … which it doesn’t … and, it never will … so, calm down … but, let’s just say for the sake of this article that it did. Imagine where we would be ten years from now.

Allow me to set up a scenario for you: The kids who are currently enrolled in the sixth grade, having been taught throughout the greater part of their educational careers that Darwin was insane and that Adam and Eve were historical figures, would then be stepping into their twenties and either well into their college careers or perhaps into America’s workforce.

If you’ll pardon the pun, archeologists would go the way of the dinosaur, having been decided by voters in 2012 that dinosaur bones are merely Satan’s way of dissuading humanity from the truth about their existence. Granted, this may not be entirely accurate. If Ken Ham has his way about it American museums will have a completely different take on dinosaurs. He believes that there were dinosaurs on Noah’s ark, and that they were commonly used by early man as a beast of burden. Which, of course, makes perfect sense, considering that farmers throughout history have repeatedly proven that the triceratops is far superior in its plowing abilities than that of the simple ox and cart.

Idiot.

Anyway, so here are all these twenty-something products of a neo-conservative American pedagogy, who are insisting to the rest of the (more well-informed) world that the theory of evolution is just a dreamy boat ride through some lunatic’s imagination; that monkey-brained Darwin was just another eccentric scientist caught up in his own maniacal world vision, and was in all likelihood a minion of Satan.

These people would then change the name of our country to the United Christians of Intelligent Design, whereupon they would then mount a giant cross on the dome of the White House and a statue of George W Bush would grace the senate floor. Each senate meeting would conclude with a prayer vigil for those who still insisted upon using common sense as a mandate toward their view of the world history, and the senators would then be provided with communion. If the senators are from Minnesota, the alcohol imbibing Blood of Christ part of the communion would preempt any other business at hand, and take place at the onset of every legislation.

With exception given to Groundhog Day (which will be preserved due to banking and postal hours), the only other holidays celebrated by the United Christians of Intelligent Design will be Christmas and Easter so as not to disrupt the economy. The celebration of Thanksgiving, of course, will be the first holiday to be illegalized and removed from its place in Hallmark greeting card shops because of its purported heathen ancestry, the politically incorrect atmosphere of dissention that it promotes amongst the populous of Native United Christians of Intelligent Design, and the fact that the holiday produces zero capital for the Mall of America. The turkey industry will suffer the most from the illegalization of Thanksgiving, but the majority of its financial ruin would have already taken place in the early 2000’s due to the avian flu virus, which all but halted the Butterball industry in the fall of 2006.

Ok, so that will be the state of affairs in 2015, should most of the states begin to adopt this ridiculous proposal accepted by Kansas. Thankfully, we have yet to debase most of our coherency, and Darwin’s theories remain as the accepted norm amongst the retinue of American school boards. On the other hand, this hasn’t stopped Bush’s No Child Left Unpunished campaign. So my advice to the American public is to be careful what you wish for; the government may just end up kneeling before it.

AG

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