IMPEACH GEORGE BUSH!! The Cheshire's Blog: September 2005

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Prozac is Expensive, Blogs Are Free


A reader asks: “Why can’t your blog be funny, like your humor column?”

Well, let me see if I can’t put this as plainly as possible. The Cheshire’s Grin (my weekly humor column) is only one side of me, while my blog is quite a different side. If I’ve disappointed my readers in some way, I only ask that you look to yourselves to find the answers to questions such as these. Thankfully, I can still laugh at the world around me, but there are times (and these times are becoming more and more frequent with the way the world seems to be turning out) when I just cannot ignore the political and social upheaval around us all. Being that I am what I am, I feel compelled to write about whatever it is that happens to be plaguing my mind on any particular day, whether that happens to be something funny that has happened to me, or the fact that George Bush is still a goddamned idiot. Sometimes it’s hard for me to differentiate the two, but then I realize that, in the case of W, it’s just a scary fucking world. My blog is my way of dealing with the same fear that most of you feel out there. The Cheshire’s Grin is my way of dealing with the silly and stupid stuff that seems to continually happen in my life.

On the other hand, perhaps I’m just your typical paranoid schizophrenic. I suppose I wouldn’t be the first writer in history to suffer from such an affliction. Writers – as well as all artists, I think – have the uncanny ability to put that which they are feeling on display. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that we feel more deeply than other people, but we do have a sense of obligation to share these feelings with the world. Hence the existence of the critic; he tells us if our thoughts and feelings are good or bad according to modern social standards. Any artist worth his salt won’t give two shits about what critics think about our feelings, but that’s neither here nor there.

I guess my point is this: Prozac’s expensive, blogs are free.

AG

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Caption This! Contest V

OK, folks, here's your Caption This photo of the week. Remember, all you have to do is think up a caption for this photo and send it to me at Xcheshire333@msn.com (don't forget to remove the "X" from the e-mail address!). I particularly like this photo because, with the laughing kitten aside, the cat in the background seems as though he just doesn't get the joke. Have fun! The winning caption will be posted this Friday.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Random Thoughts of Happiness: What Color is Your Towel?

It really doesn’t matter, you know. All the advice and good sense and hope and happiness that still somehow remains in the world; it just doesn’t matter, when it comes right down to it. In the end, we’ll just blow ourselves up, and that will be that. We can laugh and we can cry, and we can dance if we want to (we can leave our friends behind), and we can bitch to our heart’s content. At day’s end, it’s truly a miracle that we’ve managed to survive into the night. All the coffee shops and poetry readings and SUV driving ex-hippies in the world mean nothing to the Prozac Robots (cleverly disguised with felicity by way of mass sedation) who have infiltrated our collective consciousness with their politically correct speech and HR Department approved mannerisms. Ours – we must face the facts – is to become worm food, or try like hell to succeed in life, die and become fine dirt cuisine anyway. Them be the choices, folks! Dreadful as they may first appear, once accepted, we can march toward our grave destiny with a modicum of pride in the knowledge that we can at least become as cynical as humanly possible.

That’s my towel; my bullet-proof shield, as it were, and it’s color is black. When the bombs drop – as they eventually will, don’t blind yourself to fact – I’ll have only one thing to say as I witness the Great Mushroom of Doom explode in our complacent faces:

“Next!”

THIS JUST IN:
The dolphins are missing.

AG

Friday, September 23, 2005

Caption This! Winner 9/23/05

Congratulations Chris!

"Harry could never get the whole counting sheep concept, but he sure had fun trying.
1, 2, 3, WHEEE! 4, um, 6, 7 ..."

Be sure to come back on Sunday for the next Caption This photo contest!
AG

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Caption This! Contest IV


Here is this week's Caption This! photo.

Remember, all you have to do to enter the contest is think of a funny caption for this photo and e-mail it to me at xcheshire333@msn.com

When you send in your caption, don't forget to omit the "x" from my e-mail address (it's there to throw off the spam-bots that hit this site).

Good luck!

AG

Friday, September 16, 2005

Caption This! Winner 9/16/05

Congratulations Marlene!
(I assume Marlene is a soccer mom, herself)

Here is the winning caption for this week's Caption This! contest:

Tune in Sunday for the next Caption This! contest photo.
AG

Politics Explained

I thought this was hilarious!
AG

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown)

A Tough Night After the Speech?


Is it just me, or does Bush look as though he's had a hard night on Bourbon Street in this picture? I've heard that Johnny White's Sports Bar never shut down throughout this entire ordeal. Maybe old Georgy-boy wanted to find out if that was true, or not, after delivering last night's speech.

Here's my caption for this picture:
"The levees have been blown up, my ratings are at an all-time low, and tens of thousands of people have been left homeless. Yup, it's Miller Time!"

Thursday, September 15, 2005

And then there's this ...


New Orleans Begins Confiscating Firearms as Water Recedes

Is this even legal? I understand the security risks involved, but what about the Second Amendment? Exactly where do we draw the line, when it comes to sacrificing our civil rights for the sake of Homeland Security measures? Can anyone say Animal Farm?! How about 1984?

Take away the First and Second Amendments, and where does that leave us? Slaves to a totalitarian regime, that's where. Wasn't this one of Bush's excuses for the war in Iraq; to rid the world of this sort of government? Perhaps what he meant was that he couldn't stand the competition. Call it a corporate takeover of mass proportions.

AG

More on that Pesky Bullet

Magic Bullet Theory Suggests Levee was Blown


In a recent ABC news report, correspondent David Muir interviewed New Orleans' Ninth Ward resident, Joe Edwards, Jr. Edwards swears that the breached levee was purposely blown in an effort to save the richer New Orleans areas, such as the Garden District and the French Quarter. Is this true? Watch the video footage and decide for yourself.

Personally, I could feasibly see how this may have happened, but there is also the high probability that people are simply grasping at any offered explanation for the disaster. I'd like to think this story is fabricated in an attempt to make sense of what has happened; people will do this kind of thing, when their consciousness can't cope with the overwhelming. But who knows for sure, and we probably never will. Louis Farrakhan claims that it's true, but I suppose that's to be expected, and everyone knows how "rational" he can be (sit down, my son, and let papa explain something called sarcasm).

But, the fact remains that during the last major flood to hit New Orleans, back in 1927, a decision was made at the height of that flood to dynamite the levees in places that would spare New Orleans, yet destroy St. Bernard's Parish. This is exactly what seems to have happened now.

I don't know. I suppose my guess is as good as any other magic bullet theory.

AG

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Funny Ha-ha

Buddha’s first lesson to his disciples is that life sucks, so either you get used to it sucking, or you attempt – often in vain – to overcome life’s suckiness. Ordinarily, there isn’t a Boddhi Tree around when you need one, under which to crawl and to contemplate the many mysteries of Nirvana, so instead we are forced to live with the cold, wet blanket of life.

I guess that’s my complaint of the day: Why does my life have to suck just to appease God’s insatiably twisted funny side? Don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not a God-hater in any way. In fact, I think God is pretty cool. And I’m pretty sure that when It’s not too preoccupied with thinking up new practical jokes, It actually has a sensitive and compassionate side. Unfortunately for the human race, this caring and loving side tends to be overridden by It’s laughter.

You know, it’s the sort of laughter that you can’t seem to help when a chair is slid out from under a person who’s about to sit down. It’s the kind of funny that you’ll try to stifle for the sake of ethical decency, but will eventually bring tears to your eyes and cause you to wonder at the shear debauchery of your mentality. By the way, the next time you happen to be a witness to this sort of untoward event, and some indignant moron decides that it’s his position in life to teach you right from wrong by way of glaring at your laughter, just tell the idiot that God made you do it. Then, throw a cold, wet blanket on his face and laugh even harder.

"Adults are obsolete children." - Dr. Seuss

America the Tiny

Odd, how it’s the little things in life that seem to make the biggest differences. An old adage to be sure, but one that bears the dignity of becoming something of a mantra in these days of over-consumerism. Certainly in my life, anyway. I’m dreadfully guilty of unnecessary consumerism; from too many DVD purchases to those absolutely ridiculous Mini Life Savers. What’s the point to Mini Life Savers, anyhow? When did regular-sized Life Savers become too burdensome for our mouths?

“Life Saver?” someone might offer.

“Oh, gads, no!” you’ll reply, “I’ve just finished dinner! Do you want me to explode?!”

But I’m just as guilty because, while standing in a checkout line to purchase another equally preposterous item of luxury, I’ll see something like Mini Life Savers and think, “Hey, that’s pretty cool! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this sooner? I gotta get me some of them!” Only to chastise myself later for my blatant disregard for mass consumerism, and falling victim to yet another sleazy ad campaign disguised in innovative packaging.

Besides, Mini Life Savers are just stupid.

I think the reason that we (and apparently I’m not the only one, here, folks … they wouldn’t continue to market Mini Life Savers if I were the only idiot buying them) pay money for these ludicrous tokens of opulence is because we live in an age when we are attempting to replace the important things in life because, as a rule, we’re just too goddamned lazy to seek out the goodness that surrounds us every minute of everyday. And, if that theory doesn’t grab you, then how about this:

We’re Americans.

Americans have become the world’s fat and lazy uncle that no one wants to have over for dinner anymore because they’re sick and tired of our piggish ways, and the fact that we eat all the mashed potatoes before anyone else can get some. Then, we invariably make rude comments about everyone else at the table, right before we have the shear audacity to ask what’s for dessert. Let’s face it, we’re swine, and yet we don’t give a damn. All we care about is that we continue to have the ability to purchase our Mini Life Savers, and to unabashedly disregard the inviolable fact that the money we spend on the fucking stuff could have helped a child from starving to death in Somalia.

So, what then? Are we to starve right along with the Third World countries just to show our support? Of course not. Cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face is historically naïve, and has never done anyone any good. Van Gogh comes to mind, by way of example … but I guess that was an ear. You get my point. But, we can start by openly denouncing the Mini Life Saver ad campaigns of the world. We can stop purchasing the things in life that we really don’t need and calling the advertising execs bluff. We can show the world that we really are worthy of an invitation to dinner by giving a shit about what others think of our manners and political conduct. We can … we can …

Ah, hell, what’s the point? People don’t give a shit about anything except who Brittany happens to be banging this week, and where they can find some more of those tasty, little Life Savers.

AG

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

1463

1463? What’s 1463? I will tell you what 1463 is, but first, I’d like to share with you where I believe we would be had Bush not been allowed to steal the presidency in 2000.

I was never a big proponent for Gore. I know that I write a lot of articles that deal with the “left wing agenda”, but the fact is that I had no intention of voting for Al Gore. My reasoning for this was simple: he seemed, with the aide of Tipper, to have the first amendment in his crosshairs. Being a writer, the ultimate reason that I enjoy living in these United States is for the fact that I can write whatever the hell I want about whatever, or whomever the hell I want. Al and Tipper Gore, however, found this freedom to be detrimental to society at large, and so I would have sooner reelected Nixon.

So, with that having been said, I want the reader to understand that I also had no intention of helping to seat Bush in the White House either. It was my politically staunch opinion that George Bush, Sr. was, in fact, Satan incarnate. If this was the case, why on earth would I want his demonic child to run the house in his absence?

But, if Gore had somehow been able to beat the cheating system that landed Bush the presidential chair, I am sure of one thing: Osama bin Laden would now be in our custody. Beyond this, he would be in our custody and either in the midst of trial, or would have already been found guilty for the deaths of 2,700 people on September 11th, 2001.

So, what’s 1,463 then? 1,463 are the amount of days since September 11th, 2001, and yet the man who claimed this tragedy as his own is still at large. America incurred Germany’s surrender in 1,243 days. Japan’s in 1,365. Even the third Punic War, in which Carthage was burned to the ground and emptied of citizens, who were then taken en masse into Roman slavery, lasted around 1,100 days (and it took a lot longer to get troops into position, back in 149 BC).

Yet, after 1,463 days, the question remains: where is Osama?

I’ll bet that the majority of you reading this article didn’t know the exact amount of days since Osama has been at large. But you can sure bet that, had Gore won the presidency, you would have known. You would have known because his opponents would have made sure you knew.

AG

Monday, September 12, 2005

A Lesser Impact

You know, it just occurred to me that September 11th came and went, and I didn’t make even one comment about it. How strange that this horrible incident, which had so much to do with the way I currently view the world in which we live, can simply lose its effect. Waves of despair didn’t flow through my thoughts throughout the day for the first time since 9/11, 2001. I suppose with the recent Katrina events in the south, my mind must have been preoccupied.

Still (even with all the media hype that permeated the websites, television and radio stations, which all do their very best to make damned sure that we will never be able to put the whole thing behind us), I hardly took notice that yesterday marked the four-year anniversary of the single worst tragedy to hit the United States.

Perhaps with everything that has transpired since those assholes decided to take it upon themselves to change world consciousness – the war in Iraq, the probable nuclear threat from Korea, Katrina, etc., etc., etc. – we have (much to the chagrin of the government-controlled media) become desensitized toward the disaster that claimed so many innocent lives … On the other hand, maybe that’s exactly what they want.

I doubt that anyone will ever truly forget 9/11, and I know that I certainly never will. But, the impact will probably fade as we pass through time, and in a way, this saddens me.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Caption This! III

OK, folks, here's this week's Caption This! photo:

Remember, all you have to do is send your idea for a caption to this picture to:
xcheshire333@msn.com
(don't forget to omit the "x" from the e-mail address!)

The winning caption will be posted this coming Friday, so start thinkin'!
AG

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Both Sides of the Fence

Just as an addendum to yesterday's blog:
Christians, please stop trying to convince the world that the devistation of New Orleans happened because God hates sin, corruption and voodoo. If that was the case, then He would have put an end to the Bush Machine long ago. We no longer live amongst the scourge of the Old Testament, we live in an age of reason that does not allow superstitious nonsense to supplant common sense.

Oh, wait, what was I thinking? You're the reasonless people who put Bush into office in the first place.

On the other side of the fence I really wish that people, who are supposed to carry a little more of that treasured common sense, would stop claiming that disasters like Katrina and the recent tsunami are happening because the earth is attempting to shake human beings off the planet, like so many unwanted fleas. The idea that the earth is simply doing away it's "human cancer" (Kurt Vonnegut - Real Time with Bill Maher, Sept. 9th, 2005) is absolutely ludicrous. Yes, I agree that we all need to start taking better care of the planet, but only because it's where we live. Not because we need to appease it, like some god that demands annual sacrifices. Really! The people who are touting this belief are no better than the superstitious Christians, yet they claim that they're basing this idea upon logical and scientific thought. There is absolutely nothing logical about bending over to a god (new or old) that you create out of fear and confusion.

C'mon, Kurt, I expected more from a writer of your caliber and intellect!

AG

Friday, September 09, 2005

Hurricane W: How the Bush Administration Destroyed New Orleans

Some people have been asking me why it is that I have yet to write anything about Hurricane Katrina, and the devastation she left in her wake throughout the south and in New Orleans. To these people I would just like to say that, up until now, I have been left without the adequate vernacular to describe exactly how I feel about everything that has happened there. I guess I was in shock that our government could be so completely heartless as to leave all those innocent people there to starve, die and rot in the streets.

All the questions that have been presented to the government have been met with feeble excuses. The foremost of which was why the people of New Orleans were forced to wait so goddamned long before any semblance of aid took place?

The governments excuse? Inability to access the people in need. No access? Even singer/actor/New Orleans district attorney’s son Harry Connick, Jr. seemed to find a way in, along with anyone else from the media press who so desired.

Where was the National Guard and why weren’t they brought in sooner to help control the situation?

The government’s excuse?

Well, from what I’ve gathered, they still have yet to answer that question. The fact of the matter is, however, that even though there were military personnel in the right areas with the ability to help at a moment’s notice, they were not ordered into action until three days after the flood waters had infiltrated 80% of the Big Easy. Perhaps, and please keep in mind that this is just my opinion about the situation, most of the National Guard’s equipment (including high-water vehicles for some weird reason; they are in a desert, after all) is tied up in Iraq and Afghanistan. A Louisiana Guard officer was recently quoted as saying, “The National Guard needs that equipment back home to support the homeland security mission.” Hmm, no shit?

Another question that people have been asking is why wasn’t more preventative action taken to reduce this disaster in waiting?

In order to answer to that question, you have to look at several factors. In 2003, the Army Corps of Engineers all but stopped its work on flood control, including the levies in New Orleans. According to the New Orleans Times-Picayune newspaper, this slow down was due to the war in Iraq and federal tax cuts. In 2002, the corps’ chief engineer resigned (perhaps before being fired?) after he criticized the administration’s proposed cuts in the corps’ budget, including flood control spending. In mot so many words, the administration essentially told the residents of New Orleans to go fuck themselves.

Last week, Bush made the claim that “nobody expected the breach of the levees.” This is unreservedly false, as a measure to fix the sinking levees has been brought forth for years, yet nothing was ever done about the situation. It wasn’t as though no one understood the sort of catastrophe that was in the making for New Orleans; this flooding has been predicted for years by FEMA, let alone the Louisiana government. In 2000, FEMA reported that the three most likely catastrophic occurrences that could happen inside the Untied States were: a terrorist attack on New York, another major earthquake to hit San Francisco, and a hurricane to hit New Orleans. The Houston Chronicle wrote in 2001 that “the hurricane scenario in New Orleans may be the deadliest of all.” This prediction may prove to be true, as with the receding flood waters, the death toll is expected to rise to ten thousand … let me repeat that: TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE DEAD, DUE TO GOVERNMENT INCOMPETENCE!

Get it?

I find it wholly appalling that, according to a recent Harper’s Index Poll, 38% of those polled believed that no one is to blame for this disaster; that it was simply an act of nature, and that there was nothing anyone could have done about it. This attitude is a direct result of Bush informing the nation that now isn’t the time to be pointing fingers of blame. Which brings me to another question:

Why is it that Bush has taken it upon himself to lead up an investigative committee to get to the bottom of the ineptitude concerning this disaster? This is like allowing Osama bin Laden to head up the 9/11 investigative commission! It’s Bush’s administration that screwed up, and does anyone truly believe that he will do anything about this commission’s findings? Hell no. He could start right now by way of firing the director of FEMA, Mike Brown, for his gross mismanagement and refusing to do anything about the situation once he learned about it four days after the fact! But, Bush has claimed that nothing of the sort will happen. Does this lend to some overwhelming confidence in America that the investigative committee will do the right thing? Again no, and just like the 9/11 investigations, it will become a mockery of the intelligence of the American people.

We need to start calling the entire debacle for what it really is: This natural disaster was used as an aide to purge the south of one of the worst crime-ridden cities in the nation. The Bush administration knew this hurricane was eventually going to happen, they got lucky in that it happened during their term, and it served to help rid the nation of poor black people. They aren’t part of Bush’s wealthy “base” so what’s the point in having them around at all? Once the rest of the nation wakes up to this fact, perhaps they’ll begin to understand that America is filled with the apparently ineffectual poor, and they could ever-so-easily be next on the Bush administration’s cleansing agenda.

Bush’s presidential popularity rating is currently at an historical low. Most people (yes, Republicans included) are sickened by what has happened with the way this administration has handled (and is continuing to handle) the Iraq situation. One must win the lottery to afford to fill one’s gas tank; the economy is such that people cannot afford to continue to get to work, granting that they have a job in the first place. And, now, this disaster in the south and the way it has been mismanaged. If there was ever a time to pressure W and his entire administration out of office, now is that time. Impeachment is at hand, and it’s about time. What will it take for the American public to finally understand that this “person” sitting in the White House is not, in fact, a democratic president. He is a totalitarian in the making, and that fact is as foreseeable as Hurricane Katrina and the entire ruin of New Orleans.


AG

Caption This! Winner 9/9/2005

The trophy for last Sunday's Caption This! photo contest goes to:
Chris!
Yes, Chris, you win an all-expense paid trip* to exotic and beautiful New Orleans!

(*plane tickets, gas money, food, lodging, airboats and scuba gear not included. Vacation must be taken by September 10th, 2005 and is subject to National Guard and FEMA approval.)


Now, without further transgressions against God, nature, or good and common sense, here is your Caption This! winning photo:

Be sure to tune in this Sunday for the next Caption This! photo contest!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Caption This! II

OK, let's keep this moving right along, shall we?

Here is this week's Caption This! photo.


Remember to send in your caption ideas to:
xcheshire333@msn.com
However, don't forget to remove the "x" from the e-mail address.

AG

Friday, September 02, 2005

Caption This! Winner 9/2/2005

The winner for this week's Caption This! Photo Contest is Azryha.
Congratulations, Azryha!
The next Caption This! photo will be posted on Sunday, September 4th, so be sure to come back.
And now, without further rant nor rave, here is the winning photo:

If you'd like to save this picture as your desktop wallpaper simply right click on picture, then click on "set as wallpaper".

The runner-up for this Caption This! photo was submitted by Chris:
Be sure to check back here on Sunday for the new weekly picture!
AG

A Percentage of Stench

It may very well frighten some people that I’m a regularly surveyed member of the Harris Poll Online. You know the Harris Poll, don’t you? They’re the fine folks who keep everyone else informed as to the inner heartbeat of America by way of showing how we should all think, based upon my opinions. Don’t worry, I’m on your side … as long as you continue to think the way I do.

Anyhow, I took a recent Harris Poll to indicate how I felt about the astronomical gas prices. Now, the first thing you should know is that at the end of these little polls the website always offers up-to-the-moment statistics. This way, you can see how your opinions compare to those of the rest of America. I imagine they do this in an attempt to make you feel better about your own idiotic answers; a form of cheap consolation, as it were.

Generally, I don’t care about this page of the Poll. Being the opinionated bastard that I am, I believe that the only vox populi that matters is my own. One day, I’m sure that Mr. Harris will come to me to say that he has decided to allow mine to be the only opinion, thereby eliminating the need to ask the rest of the nation, because they’re mostly idiots anyway.

Let me give you an example of this stupidity, so you’ll know that I’m not just campaigning for god status on a lark. Let me show you why I have valid reasons as to why I should be your next Ruler and God, Lord Cheshire :::thunderclaps in the near distance::: nice effect, eh?

After I took this most recent survey, the stats page came up and loudly proclaimed that there are indeed some people in America that are under the influence of idiocy. For instance, even though 90% of the poll takers indicated that they car pool to work because of the recent gas hikes, an astounding 13% say that gas prices are “very inexpensive”.

Let me repeat this for those of you reading, who may have been part of that 13%: 90% say that they carpool because they can’t afford gas in their own cars. 13% (which bleeds three whole percentage points into that ninety percentile) say that they could care less about the price of gasoline; that they have no idea what everyone seems to be bitching about. This means, given that 10 of that 13% feel that gas prices are not an issue, there is still another three percent of the population who carpool (and there simply cannot be any other explanation for this) just because they enjoy the after-work stench of other people!

AG